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Author Topic: Giving Pills  (Read 3310 times)

Offline gfisher

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Giving Pills
« on: May 28, 2010, 05:14:49 PM »
                    How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure
to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.
2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth
shut for a count of ten.
5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler. Rub cat's throat vigorously.
7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below
armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw
9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste
away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water
and soap.
10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck,
to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. 
Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. 
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s  front paws to rear
paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.  Sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. 
Call  furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they
have any hamsters.

                           How To Give A Dog A Pill
1.  Wrap it in bacon.
2.  Toss it in the air. Zippo! Went right down !

"Beer is proof that God wants us to be happy." - Thomas Jefferson

Offline s-driver

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Re: Giving Pills
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2010, 05:22:31 PM »
LMAO!  I have experienced both episodes.  Didn't have to go to the hospital but came close.  +1 to ya George.

Bill

Offline GEV0SPAMMER

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Re: Giving Pills
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2010, 04:47:56 AM »
LMAO, that about sums it up. Cats are so intensely useless, have two and have gone through that sort of scenario many times.
Apathetic half ass member of USLW
Founder of the porta-potty project :p

Offline TasteOfIrony

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Re: Giving Pills
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2010, 04:55:30 AM »
Dog > Cat

"Bloody things. I hate those bloody cats. The way they meow and they piss everywhere, and their sh*t smells just bloody awful, all over my furniture..."
Guilty by Association

Offline The Vezman

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Re: Giving Pills
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2010, 05:00:17 AM »
Reminds me a lot of this joke...

http://www.yellow-llama.com/drive-thru-atms-men-vs-women/

+1 to George BTW

Offline 22alpha

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Re: Giving Pills
« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2010, 12:21:07 PM »
Great Stuff.... how true it is too...

Mike

Offline s-driver

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Re: Giving Pills
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2010, 12:48:16 PM »